in which I hash out the mess in my head

[dchenes]

I had a bad day, and I know at least some of why.



I opened my own personal can of worms today. It felt exactly like what I went through a lot at the dental school, when my immediate response to anything I didn't want to do, or didn't have time for, was "do it yourself if it's so important". I don't want to do that to the people I work with now, because I know that if they had the time to do it themselves, they wouldn't be asking me. Most of the time, I don't mind. But today, it irritated me beyond reason that I should have to call the same four people for the third time in two weeks to remind them about a meeting they all knew about the first time I called, anyhow. I like this job, and I like the people I work with, and they don't deserve to have to deal with me acting like a brat.

And, I screwed up, and I admit it. For some reason I'm having a terrible time keeping the Systems Biology, Neural Systems and Molecular Biology searches straight, and I forgot which one we needed for the meeting today. That led to my not having printed something important, and having to come up with 35 copies of it on the fly. I know better than that. I don't know why I forgot, and that makes me annoyed with myself. I did that somewhere else, too; I got two committees mixed up and told somebody from the one I hadn't sent materials out for yet that I had in fact sent them. I do not make mistakes with important stuff like that, and I particularly do not do it twice in the same day on two different subjects. I don't know where my head was, and if I could've done it, I would've kicked myself down the stairs tonight. That particular part of me sounds like my father, telling me to get my head out of my ass and pay attention,

Unfortunately, I'm beginning to suspect I know where my head was. I suspect it has to do with going back on the pill. If that's what going back on the pill is going to do to me, I'm going back off it again. Granted, this is only the first month of being back on it, but if I start feeling like this on a regular basis, I'll buy stock in Aleve and live with the cramps. It isn't worth it if I'm going to turn into somebody I don't like. The rest of my office doesn't deserve that either.


So, tomorrow I apologize, and get myself pointed in the right direction again, and prove that hiring me wasn't a mistake. I feel better now that I've thought about it, decided what's going on and what I want to do about it, and made up my mind to do it.

Comments

[enochs-fable.livejournal.com]

Is it possible that perhaps coming up with/tweaking some sort of tracking system might also help? It's a lot to keep in your head.